Women Are Bonkers!

Okay, feminists everywhere are going to have my ass for this, but I don’t care.  And if you’re a true feminist, chances are you’ll ultimately agree with what I have to say on this subject.  I’m going to start by making this simple declarative statement:  WOMEN ARE BONKERS.  No, seriously…that is one of few things I am absolutely certain of.

Why do I feel that way?  It’s true, that’s why…and I have a lot more evidence to support that theory than to refute it.  Men constantly complain about it and wonder why women are insane.  They often expect me to react the way a typical lunatic woman does.  Most are surprised and intrigued when I don’t.  I’ve known for some time that I’m an atypical woman.  I don’t nag, I don’t whine, I don’t bitch, I don’t control and I don’t try to change men.  What?  Who?  Huh?  Yeah…you read that right.

There are a few “types” of women that I find particularly irritating.  These women are embarrassments to all womankind and, unfortunately, the majority of women fall into one of these categories – at least that appears to be the case based on my experience.

“Love me, Love me, Love me” Women

This woman will do absolutely anything to get a man to like her, all with the hope that “like” will somehow evolve into undying love and devotion.  This woman will call incessantly, fake enthusiasm for things she has no interest in – like sports, cars, video games, etc. – and generally become whomever she believes a man wants her to be in the hope that he will fall in love with her.

She falls in love with virtually every man who gives her a little bit of attention and she’s the one who just wants to die after every break up.  Her entire sense of self-worth is wrapped up in whether or not she has a boyfriend and she’s the one who has to have a man – any man – or her life simply isn’t worth living.  For these women, having a man is somehow a validation of their existence.

She will often adopt and play out antiquated notions of what a woman should be in order to make a man feel as though he “needs” her.  She will cook his favorite meals, do his laundry, clean his home and basically fill the role of “happy homemaker”.  She’ll cancel any plans she might have instantly, she answers the phone on the first ring when he calls, she sends text message after text message during the day, she lets him choose the movies and TV shows they watch and essentially assimilates herself completely into his world.

Some of her favorite sayings:  “You never tell me you love me…” – uh, that’s because he doesn’t; “Can I get you anything?” – yeah, he wants you to bring him a sandwich and a beer, and then go back to the other room; “What are you thinking?” – oh…my…GOD…you really, really don’t want to know.

“I’ll Change Him” Women

This woman will date a man with whom she has nothing in common because she claims to “see potential” in him.  What does that mean exactly?  If I were a man, I’d be offended by that.  Essentially what she’s saying is, “Well, he’s nothing like what I want, but he’s weak-minded enough that I can manipulate him into becoming what I want…”. She prefers dating the wrong man to being alone.  She works under the premise that a man will miraculously change into exactly what she wants at some point in the future because his love for her will be stronger than his will to be himself.

This is the woman that, rather than simply taking out the trash, tightening the screws on the cabinet handle, or changing the light bulb herself, will instead nag a man endlessly until he does it.  JUST CHANGE THE LIGHT BULB, WOMAN!  Eventually one of two things will happen:  the man will realize that you do everything, feel a little bad about that and start to contribute; or the woman will realize that she does everything, he contributes nothing to the household or the relationship and she should move on.  Viola – either way, problem solved.

She has a tendency to bitch, whine, and complain about everything a man does – be it spending time with his friends, playing golf or working long hours.  These women attempt to suck the life out of, and break the will of, any man – supposedly for “his own good”.  They see men as balls of clay to be molded into their image of “the perfect man” – and they’ll nag him into submission every step of the way – justifying that nagging with claims that she’s just trying to make him into a better man.

This is the woman who will walk into a man’s house or apartment for the first time, be appalled by it’s filthy condition and never bother to think that his inability to clean up after himself is bound to outlast their relationship.  She never pictures their future – a future in which she walks in the house after a long day at work to find him sitting on the couch watching TV seemingly oblivious to the sink full of dishes and his dirty clothes strewn across their bedroom floor.

And when that day finally arrives, instead of standing in front of the TV, looking him in the eye and saying, “DO THE DISHES, DICK!” – which is what she should do – she opts for a different approach.  This approach involves mumbling under her breath and making passive-aggressive comments like, “how nice of you to save the dishes for me to do when I got home after working a 10 hour day…” and “I guess you think your underwear just washes and folds itself, huh?”  Would you like to know what men hear when you do that, ladies?  “Wah, wah-wah, wah, wah…”.

“Unequivocally Psychotic” Women

Some women are just do not pass go, do not collect $200, no holds barred, utterly and completely insane.  We all know these women.  Most men have stories about a “psycho ex-girlfriend”.  These women are frightening on a monumental scale – even to other women.  Why?  Because she’s the bitch who calls you at 3:00 am from her boyfriend’s cell phone, screaming in your ear and threatening to kick your ass if you ever speak to him again – leaving you asking, “yeah, who are you again?”

I used to think it was something women grew out of as they got older…like once I was out of my 20′s and my friends girlfriends were out of their 20′s it would stop.  Nope!  No such luck.  Apparently once a psycho, always a psycho. There are songs written about these loons – like “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood.  The song might be kind of funny, but it’s important to remember women like that really DO exist.  “Carved my name into his leather seats…”?  Yeah, that’s not funny, nor is it cute.  Most of all, it serves no constructive purpose whatsoever.

To women like that, I have only one thing to say:  I hope you enjoy your time in the pokey, you crazy bitch – it’s too bad they won’t let you keep that Louisville Slugger in there because that’s your only hope of not becoming “Big Bertha’s” girlfriend in the slammer.

Men and Women Are Inherently Different

Those inherent differences are what make most of us completely incompatible.  Men and women don’t understand each other because we approach things from such different perspectives.  Our brains just work differently.  Even the most even-tempered, well-rounded and well-adjusted couples have communication issues.

Here’s my take on it:  I won’t try to turn myself into someone I’m not in order to pretend that I’m compatible with someone.  I’m not interested in any man who is willing to turn himself into someone he isn’t either.  Relationships shouldn’t be as hard as people make them.  Guess what – if your relationship is a constant struggle and you spend more time unhappy than happy, it’s not working and you should get out.  Life is too short to be unhappy, even “in the name of love”.

A Woman’s Perception of Reality

Women tend to believe that their job is to create better men.  The fact is that you can’t make anyone into anything.  Our goal as women should be to BE BETTER PEOPLE.  Be independent, be self-sufficient, be your own woman, know who you are and know what you want.  Maybe that would give men some incentive to entertain the idea of putting in the work it takes to be better people, too.

If your sole purpose is to force him into being or becoming someone other than himself, your relationship is destined to fail.  The sad fact is that most relationships aren’t meant to last forever – and that’s okay.  The only real failure is holding on to someone long after you realize the two of you aren’t compatible!

Many women want a man who knows how to answer the question, “What are you thinking?” and virtually all men want a woman who would NEVER ask that question.  Here’s a tip for you, ladies – STOP ASKING THAT FUCKING QUESTION!  If you knew anything about men at all, you’d already know the answer.  For those of you who don’t know, men usually aren’t thinking anything about you – if they were, they’d have said it already.

And here’s a tip for you guys – read carefully – if your wife or girlfriend is throwing herself at you and you opt to keep watching TV or playing that video game, it will likely be a long time before she throws herself at you again.  Most women pout.  Some women complain.  Others throw a tantrum.  A few call their girlfriends to talk shit about you.  Fewer still retreat quietly to the bedroom alone.   So, instead of it being she, you and her imagination, it is just she and her imagination – trust me when I tell you it won’t be long before she realizes that your being included in that scenario really isn’t that important after all.  Trust me.

It’s No Wonder Men Are Confused

I completely understand why men are at a loss.  Women in general like to think of themselves as great communicators and problem solvers, but nothing could be further from the truth.  They don’t know how to communicate any better than men do – that’s why women will bring up a situation that occurred 5 years ago during a fight that is happening today.  If they knew how to communicate and resolve issues, they wouldn’t keep score of every past transgression to use as ammunition at some point in the future.

Okay, rip my ass for telling the truth – it’s cool, I can take it.  Most of my friends are guys, mainly because of what I’ve illustrated above.  I’ve gotten a lot of calls from psychos at 3:00 am. 

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