Yesterday I Turned 33

October 13, 2009

The card I made for my roommate's birthday

photo credit: Etsy Ketsy

The notion of a “milestone birthday” has always been foreign to me. At no time in my life have I felt different the day after my birthday than I did the day before it. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror the day before my 16th birthday, then again the day after it thinking, “Wow…I’m so much different now than I was just the day before yesterday.”

Turning 21 meant I could legally drink – not that it had prevented me from drinking to that point. The cost of my car insurance went down when I was 25. Woohoo. Yet hardly something to be considered monumental or life-changing. I thought maybe turning 30 would have some sort of impact. Many people seem to lose their minds upon turning 30 after all.

I didn’t look back at the preceding three decades as if my best days were behind me. I never believed that turning 30 was the equivalent of taking my first precarious step onto the slippery slope known as “growing older”. Being thrust into the “30-something” age group didn’t hit me like a ton of bricks…or even an ounce of feathers. My life was still my life – set on a path of my own creation and a product of the choices I made to that point.

Yesterday I turned 33. Fundamentally I am the same person I was when I was 13. My sense of right and wrong is still intact. What I find acceptable now is no different than what I found acceptable 20 years ago, but my perception of possibility and the idea that we always get back what we put in has changed. The longer I live the more I realize that people don’t always get what they deserve within their lifetimes – good or bad.

If You’d Have Told Me A Year Ago…

This has been the best, worst and most challenging year of my life. A year ago I was a gainfully employed, totally self-sufficient and completely independent person with more than sufficient health, dental, life and disability insurance. I knew if I broke my leg, I could afford an X-ray and a cast. I knew if I had a cavity, I could afford to have it treated before it turned into an abscessed tooth accompanied by a life-threatening infection. I knew if I were hit by a bus and didn’t survive there was enough life insurance to cover my final expenses. None of what was true for me a year ago is true for me today. Yesterday I turned 33 and for the first time in my life I can’t even afford to die.

I’ve never relied on anyone for anything. Since I started college at age 17, I’ve supported myself financially – always living very comfortably without depending on anyone else to fund my lifestyle. I’ve never been a “wealthy” person, but at no point did I have a true concern for how to make ends meet. I never went without food. I never froze or suffered through a cold Indiana winter. I never wondered if or how my rent would get paid. I never gave the line “Reliable transportation required…” in a job description a second thought, as not having a car or not being able to afford my car payments had never been an issue. Until now.

I lost my job last December. To that point in my life, leaving a job had always been my choice. I voluntarily and willfully walked away from other jobs – but never without a plan, never without another job already lined up and never during a massive recession verging on depression, unprecedented economic free fall and record high unemployment rates.

I was understandably concerned, but I used a telescope to find a silver lining on that rain cloud and decided to see it as an opportunity rather than a potential life-altering disaster. I went to work for myself – helping small business owners better understand and navigate the world of search engine optimization. That silver lining tarnished and wore through to reveal a cheap, weak and rusting inner core.

These days I find myself constantly worrying about money. Every day I wonder how to pay the rent, if this is the month I lose my car, how long can I hold off paying AT&T before the phone and Internet are turned off. I’d like to speak to the imbecile who coined the phrase, “Money doesn’t buy happiness”. Having money may not make a person happy, but not having money is literally the only thing that makes me unhappy or stresses me out.

The Powerful Negative Impact of Stress

photo credit: andypowe11

I’ve been sick more times in the past year than I have in my entire life. I can only attribute that to stress, as there is no other viable explanation. When I was diagnosed with probable Relapsing/Remitting Multiple Sclerosis at age 20, I didn’t freak out – like many do. In fact, for years I told no one. I never wanted the “Aw, poor Alysson…” looks or sympathetic head tilts that inevitably come with such an admission. The fewer people who knew, the better off I would be and the less those who love me would worry about something that was completely out of everyone’s control.

My dad died of complications from MS when I was 5. He’d been in a nursing home since I was 6 months old. I may have been young, but I learned first hand what the worst case scenario of MS was. I didn’t envision that future for myself. His MS was accelerated because of exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam, so I understood that the possibility of my having MS didn’t mean I was on the fast track to a wheelchair or, worse yet, the morgue. His fate didn’t have to be my fate and I had a lifetime of accomplishment still ahead of me.

On the other hand, I knew the drill. I knew the symptoms of MS. I knew that some suffer miserably for years and that some lived for decades virtually symptom free. I knew MS was incurable. I knew there was little that could be done to slow or stop the progression of the disease. I knew about the medications and their side effects. I knew that what doctors knew about MS paled in comparison to what they didn’t know. And I knew that no one knew what was going to happen or how my life would ultimately play out.

The life I chose to live would have a direct impact on the progression of MS. Luckily I had always been a “go with the flow” and “everything happens for a reason” type, so living a life that was as stress-free as possible wouldn’t be much of a challenge. I never had much to worry about. I had already been granted the serenity to accept the things I could not change, the courage to change the things I could and the wisdom to know the difference. That wasn’t going to change just because I may or may not one day suffer from debilitating symptoms.

Over the past dozen or so years I’ve had mild episodes that have included tremors, numbness, dizziness, pain, fatigue, vision problems and headaches – none of which were severe and none of which lingered or developed into permanent conditions. These symptoms rarely lasted more than a couple of weeks and were never severe enough to force me to alter my daily life. I never missed more than a day or two of work and was never unable return to my normal day-to-day routine in a relatively short period of time.

No One Knows What The Future Holds

photo credit: BLW Photography

The past several weeks have been a departure from what would be considered a “normal episode” for me. While I’ve been lucky enough to not suffer from any tremors, other symptoms of MS – like fatigue, left side numbness, headaches, chronic pain and vision problems have had me as close to total incapacitation as I have ever been. I have been lucky, in a sense, that my symptoms are such that I have been able to keep them to myself – attributing my apparent lethargy to possible flu, everyday headaches or even some depression – as not to worry those around me. But my constant attempts to mask my symptoms and pretend everything is fine saps me of what little energy I have throughout the day.

The only measurable difference in life circumstance between this episode and my last significant episode is my stress level. As such, I can only attribute the severity and duration of this episode to that stress. Struggling to read and type with a nearly numb hand only served to add to my stress level and frustration, making symptoms like headaches even worse. Thus, I’ve spent very little time online and been able to work very little – only adding to my stress and financial worry. What a painfully ironic circumstance, to say the least.

To those who have contacted me to express concern over my absence from online social circles, thank you. Until now I’ve kept the true nature of my “Missing In Action” status to myself. I’m hoping that my sharing this struggle with you will serve as a sort of catharsis, perhaps in some way lowering my stress level and accelerating my journey back toward remission and a symptom-free life.

The good news is that, obviously, today has been a good day. I have been able to spend enough time online at various times throughout the day to craft this post, which is more than I can say of the days that have preceded it. I have every reason to believe that my symptoms will continue to improve and that I will be back to a completely normal level of function in the near future.

Now, if anyone happens to know where I can pick up a winning lottery ticket so I can buy back my happy, go lucky and stress-free financial circumstance, that would be awesome. ;)

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Posted by Alysson | Filed Under Random Madness

Comments

27 Responses to “Yesterday I Turned 33”

Laura Rucker on October 13th, 2009 8:38 pm

Wow Alysson! I’m speechless. I don’t have any magic words to make you feel better. Nor do I have a winning lottery ticket. I don’t know what to say really, but I’m glad you decided to share what you’re going through.

I really like what you said here:

“I’m hoping that my sharing this struggle with you will serve as a sort of catharsis, perhaps in some way lowering my stress level and accelerating my journey back toward remission and a symptom-free life.”

Well put! This WILL help you! I know it will!

Perhaps everyone who reads your post will learn something from your situation. Perhaps they will stop and look at what they’ve got. Good health. A job. And learn to stop bitching about the small crap going on in the world.

I know this has made me stop. I’m pretty lucky right now, and I’m taking everything for granted.

Shame on me.

I can’t possibly imagine what you are going through Alysson. I truly wish the best for you. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story with us.
Laura Rucker´s last blog ..‘Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs’ Inspires Kids

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
I appreciate your encouragement, Laura. This certainly wasn’t meant to shame anyone for taking anything for granted or elicit sympathy from those who find themselves in a better circumstance than I am currently. Things will get better. They must. I simply won’t entertain the idea that they won’t.

It is frustrating, however, that we have become a nation that accepts 8-figure salaries for professional athletes, rewards talentless and soulless reality show “stars” with more money than any normal human being could spend in a lifetime and politicians who would sacrifice the lives of more than 40,000 Americans every year because they can’t maintain their powerful positions without endless campaign contributions from the health insurance lobby. It seems that we become outraged by nonsense and turn a blind eye to what really matters a little bit more every single day.

Thanks for taking the time to read the post and commenting.

[Reply]
Laura Rucker Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
NO KIDDING about the overpaid “stars”. That annoys the crap out of me. So much in this world is out of balance and backwards.

Keep us posted on how you’re doing. Your ups, downs, whatever!

Laura Rucker´s last blog ..‘Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs’ Inspires Kids

[Reply]
Joe Hall on October 13th, 2009 9:47 pm

Thank you Aly, for sharing this with “us” (your Twitter family). I know that you must have gone through a series of internal thoughts and questions regarding how to write about your MS. I have been trying to figure out how to talk about my disability in social media for the last 3 years. It gives me inspiration and comfort to see others do it so well.

I have an old friend that has MS, and now I have a new one too!

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Thanks, Joe. I’ve never felt the need to share this information until now. As I said in the post, MS has never really had much negative impact on my life. But I knew that some were wondering where I’ve been and what’s been going on. I decided to just put it out there so people don’t think I’ve just gone AWOL.

I must tell you that I’ve thought of you several times over the past few weeks and drawn both inspiration & hope from what I know must be the challenges you’ve faced & overcome over the years. Thanks for that!

[Reply]
Steph Woods on October 14th, 2009 12:05 pm

When I was laid off, I had a bright future ahead of me working for myself. Nobody told me how hard and stressful it would really be on my own. Waiting for a client to pay me and pretending it’s all good that they’re late, when inwardly I am freaking out because I am not sure I will be able to pay my rent on time. Heck, I almost even lost the man I love over it because it was causing tension between us when I’d let money issues get me down. I could feel that stress was starting to break my body down. There are many that believe cancer is a form of stress manifesting itself in the body and that scares the shit out of me.

My boyfriend is 7 years younger than me. Sounds like a big difference, but really we’re two peas in a pod. The reason I bring up his age is that at one point he said to me: “You’re 34. I can’t believe you’re still trying to figure out what you’re doing with your life.” God I can’t wait until HE turns 34 so I can throw that one back in his face.

Hope you feel better soon Ally.
Steph Woods´s last blog ..Creative vs Generic Thesis Theme

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Hey, Steph. You should know you’re not alone. We no longer live in a world where a person can decide in their late teens or early twenties what they intend to do with the rest of their lives. People who have dedicated their education and career to only one vocation are among the most vulnerable in an economy like this, so for your boyfriend to try to somehow shame you for having broad interests and work experience is pretty naive.

And yes, it has been known for years that stress has a negative impact on one’s health and my experience is another case study supports that theory. I don’t know that cancer is necessarily a physical manifestation of stress, but stress can certainly have a negative impact on a person’s overall well being and immune system so I can completely understand how abnormally high stress can make a person an easy target – particularly those with a genetic predisposition or otherwise unhealthy lifestyle (i.e. poor diet, smoking, etc.)

Thanks for taking time to read the post and comment. I hope we both find our way!

[Reply]
Gerald Weber on October 14th, 2009 4:02 pm

Sorry to hear that you are having this recent stress Aly and complications. I know that stress can definitely have a big impact on MS symptoms. Also from all the reading I have done etc I understand beside medication, exercise can sometimes be very helpful.

Hope you get to feeling better.

All the best
Gerald Weber´s last blog ..Multi-Author Blogs – Should you use Single Wordpress or WPMU

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Thanks, G. I appreciate your comments and encouragement. Exercise certainly can be helpful, but it is also important for those with MS to remember that an increase in body temperature (even from something as seemingly innocuous as a hot bath) can significantly exacerbate the symptoms during an episode.

Thanks for taking the time to read the post and comment. I appreciate it.

[Reply]
Monica Wright on October 14th, 2009 7:30 pm

Oh Miss Aly, what can I say? I’ve noticed your absence, but chalked it up to being busy, or that you were taking a break from the madness online (which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing). I just came across a status update on Facebook, and saw your post. I haven’t been trolling FB in weeks, so go figure.

Stress is bad. Very very bad. And I get angry with people who do not take it seriously. Can’t remember where I read this, but I saw somewhere that the demands (especially for women) have exponentially grown along side with the number of prescriptions for anti-anxiety and depression meds. Not normal.

And if you already know what you want to do for the rest of your life, you’ve stopped living in my opinion.

I don’t know much about MS (I pathetically admit). But I know you are a strong, smart, funny, delightful human being. It’s ok to feel pain, and especially ok to be pissed about it. Only now, you got me pissed about it too .

Girl, you’re an inspiration. You rock. And don’t forget that.
Monica Wright´s last blog ..Top SEO’d Internet Yellow Pages Couretsy of @matt_siltala from SMX East

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Your concern and encouragement mean a lot to me, Monica. No need to be pissed on my account though. I still believe everything happens for a reason and I’m sure the reason for all of this will ultimately be revealed at some point. Nevertheless, reality is what it is…and one way or another, life goes on for me.

That’s not to say that we all shouldn’t be frustrated that supposed public servants continue to profit & benefit from the suffering of middle class Americans day in and day out and that talentless reality show celebretards sprain their ankles running to buy luxury cars. Alas, that frustration doesn’t accomplish anything constructive either.

Thanks for the pep talk! I really appreciate it.

[Reply]
Steve Vandergriff on October 14th, 2009 7:34 pm

Alysson, I’ve been burning it at both ends (mostly on the road, in fact I am freezing my ninnies off in Indianapolis as I write this) so I had no idea you were fighting through all of this. The one thing I do know about you though is, YOU ARE A FIGHTER. You’re not about to give up and let this thing whip you. If I can do anything for you, you know I will. If any ideas come to mind, please let me know ASAP. I’m not back in town for more than a day or two until the end of the month, but if you’re feeling up to it I will buy you lunch somewhere and we can catch up!

-Steve

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Thanks, Steve. We absolutely do need to get together for lunch when you get back to town. I’ve felt much better the past couple of days than I have in weeks, so I’m taking that as a good sign. Freezing your ass off in Indy? You now understand why I moved to Jacksonville, huh?

You are right. I’m not about to give up. I’m way too mean to let anything whip me. Thanks for the encouragement and enjoy my home state a little bit despite the cold if you can.

[Reply]
Shana Albert on October 14th, 2009 8:20 pm

Alysson you are such a brave woman for coming out and telling us what has been ailing you. I know how hard it is to keep secret an illness thinking it will be better that way. But, in the year plus since I announced my illness it has helped. Mostly because people showed their support and offered a lending hand and an open shoulder if needed.

I’m sorry you are having money issues. I hope that job offers come flowing in or that you find that winning ticket. But, know that I am here if you need me… to talk or joke around with.

You are a beautiful person and a wonderful friend. I am a better person from meeting you. Please let me help you any way I can.

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Thanks, Shana. Your friendship and encouragement mean a lot to me. I think the best thing for me at this point is to put on hold my ultimate aspiration of being completely self-employed in favor of the greater security (and health insurance) that comes from working for “the man”. As soon as I’m sure my worst days are behind me with this episode, that’s probably exactly what I’m going to do.

While I had often entertained the idea of venturing out on my own at some point, I was totally unprepared for it last December when I was thrust into the world of the unemployed with millions of other Americans when I was fired last December. I’ve had a number of inquiries into my online resumes since last December, but I really wanted to stick out this “working for myself” idea as long as I possibly could. As Kenny Rogers said, you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. And just because I fold them today doesn’t mean I can’t play again later.

I’ve thought of you, like Joe, several times over the past weeks and gleaned inspiration from knowing of your struggle and also how much more pressure you’re under as a single mom. Your friendship means a lot to me and I really appreciate your support!

[Reply]
Mickey Gomez on October 23rd, 2009 7:18 pm

Alysson, thanks so much for sharing this with us! I’d noticed that I hadn’t seen you online much but chalked it up to my not being online much, either. I’m so glad that something someone said earlier made me think, “Hmmm. . . wonder what’s up with Alysson?”

I’m touched by your honesty and candor – it’s a brilliantly written post – and I’m sorry to hear about everything you are going through at the moment. I hope that you won’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything, even if it’s just someone to joke with (you know I’m always up for that – I still chuckle over our Skype chat). Let me know if there is anything I can do to help, okay?

I’ll chime in with the other comments here – you are an incredibly talented, compassionate, strong and inspiring woman. I know that you will get through this, but it’s okay to lean on your friends along the way. It sounds as if things are taking a turn for the better (and I hope they are) but know I’ll be sending good thoughts your way.

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Thanks, Mickey. I’m glad you enjoyed the post and I really appreciate your encouragement. Right now I’m trying to figure out how to pay to go back to school. I’d really like to go to the Art Institute in Jacksonville to pursue a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Graphic Design, Web Design & Interactive Media or Filmmaking & Video Production. Considering tuition alone will be in the $100,000, not to mention living expenses on top of that, getting my degree might continue to be out of reach…but that remains to be seen.

Thanks again for reading the post and taking the time to comment. Your support and encouragement mean a lot to me!

[Reply]
Kalena Jordan on October 27th, 2009 5:11 pm

Hi Aly

Only just found this post of yours. Wow. Thank you for sharing with us your personal struggles and reaching out. It’s difficult sometimes to admit you’re not Wonder Woman and admit that you sometimes get scared or stressed by situations life throws at you. The important thing is to reach out and let others know you need their support. I do too little of this and it has cost me a lot. Thanks for reminding me that we’re all human and need each other. We may not know each other very well, but I do consider you a friend and thank you for writing this. You’re a brave, beautiful, intelligent woman and you have a lot of people who care about you. I hope we can make a difference in your life and help make your burdens a little lighter somehow. [BTW, I'm not able to take on any SEO clients these days but get lots of leads and referral requests. I will make sure to refer some potential clients your way.]
Kalena Jordan´s last blog ..Tweet and Ye Shall Find (on Google and Bing)

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 27th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Thanks so much, Kalena. Your support means a lot. So many people have reached out to me as a result of this post that I’m quite overwhelmed. For someone like me, admitting any sort of weakness or vulnerability is REALLY difficult. Having so many reach out to offer their encouragement and support certainly makes it easier.

At this point I’ve decided to go back to school full-time…that is assuming I can find the money to do it. I’ve decided to pursue a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree in Digital Filmmaking & Video Production, which will give me the opportunity to build on my passion for photography AND search marketing. As the social web continues to evolve more and more companies will be looking for people who can produce videos that capture their ideals & mission and build their online brands. My ultimate goal is to head out to L.A. to try my hand in the movie biz, but in the meantime this degree will help me use the skill set I already have thanks to my experience in search marketing. Keep your fingers crossed that I can get together the funds to actually pull it off!

Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I appreciate it more than you know.

[Reply]
Kathryn Katz on October 28th, 2009 11:12 am

Aly,

I’ll keep this brief, cause after reading your story, I’m a little choked up. I’m down here in South Florida, so I can’t drop by to offer a hug and cup of coffee, so you’ll have to settle for a virtual hug. If I can be of any help with snagging more freelance or looking for a new job, let me know. You’ve got my email, just reach out if you need anything.

Take Care,

Kathryn

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 28th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Thanks so much, Kathryn. Sorry I choked you up! It wasn’t my intention to make anyone cry. No tears for me, though – I’ll be just fine! The good news in all of this is that I finally know what I really want to do and now all I have to do is figure out how to pay for it. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. This is no different and good is bound to come from it in the long run.

I really appreciate your kind words, encouragement and virtual hug. Thank you! Be well!

[Reply]
David Leonhardt on October 28th, 2009 11:19 am

No fancy words, just keep it up. Whatever you have the power to do as long as possible…that’s what life is all about.
David Leonhardt´s last blog ..Ethical SEO across the search engines

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 28th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Thanks, David. No worries…I’ll keep pluggin’ away at it. There’s no “give up” in me.

[Reply]
JMorris on October 28th, 2009 1:31 pm

Alysson,

1st. Happy Birthday. You’re 1 year ahead of me, so I can relate, quite a bit.

What stood out for me in your post the most is that you have a true Warrior’s spirit. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You make your choices and live your life with passion and direction.

Truth be told, my life was the polar opposite. I grew up poor as dirt, did without regularly and had to fight for every last thing I have. This is how I developed a warrior’s spirit. Through necessity. You, on the other hand, were born with it, and it shows.

I know, without a doubt, that you will persevere through this time and come out on the other site far better off than you are now.

Never volunteer to be a victim. Always listen to your inner warrior and fight! Fight for your life!

I wish you the best. I know you will fight towards the happiness you deserve.
JMorris´s last blog ..TwakeUp! Breast Cancer Effects Us All!

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
October 28th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Thanks for your kind words, James. I don’t know about being much of a warrior, but I’m certainly stubborn. And, like Annie Oakley, approach life with an “anything you can do, I can do better…” attitude.

The truth is that my life to this point has been pretty easy. I didn’t come from money, but never wanted for much. I’ve been lucky to find my way to good jobs in the past that allowed me to live comfortably without having to depend on anyone else. In order to evolve we must all face some kind of challenge or hardship, so perhaps this is the price I have to pay for having been able to find success and live a comfortable life without having to work all that hard to get there. Who knows? What I do know is that I’ve been dealt this hand for a reason. So, I’ll keep playing this game of life with the cards I’ve been dealt and, if I play them right, I’ll wind up with the big chip stack.

Thanks for the belated birthday wishes, as well as the supportive and encouraging comments. I really appreciate it.

[Reply]
Chris Estes on November 1st, 2009 2:27 am

Wow! Ally it sounds like you are getting back on track. You will power through I know.

I am experiencing similar problems and had given up hope at one point. Though my problems aren’t physical like yours. I posted last year that I was getting back in the saddle. When in reality it only got worse for me. But such is life. If it wasn’t for a network of great friends at home I wouldn’t have had the power to make it this far.

When you are down sometimes a little bit of love can do the trick.

If there is anything I can do to help let me know. I’m swinging a hammer back from my financial woes we can always use some good people!!!!
Chris Estes´s last blog ..Langford Convicted: What Next for Birmingham?

[Reply]
Alysson Reply:
November 1st, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Hey, Chris. Yes, I have been feeling a bit better the past week or so and I’m hoping that’s a sign that I’m headed back toward a full remission. Fingers crossed anyway! So sorry to hear that you had a run of back luck, but it sounds like you’ve bounced back. Life is full of ups & downs and I’m glad you’re on another upswing.

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate it!

[Reply]